It seems like I'm still waiting for the sun

I'm not going to lie, I thought college would be different.
I thought I'd have a job by now.
I don't, but not for lack of effort.
I thought I could handle eleven classes.
I can, but barely.
I thought I'd have tons of friends.
I'm still working on that.

Some days are harder than others. I've always taken it for granted that I had friends from many different places - CYT, school, church, dances - and that any given weekend, if I called enough people, I could find someone to be with. It never took much effort, and my method led to much on-demand companionship. Some of these companions turned out to truely be my friends.

But, like most things, you don't miss something until you've left it behind.

So I'm making more of an effort than I've ever had to make before, and I'm afraid I'm not doing very well. I'm more shy and insecure than I thought I was. Every invitation I extend feels like I'm bracing myself against rejection. I truly empathize with the complaints of boys who struggle asking girls out. I asked boys out at home more than I was ever asked out, but I always knew before I asked that they would say yes, that they wanted to be with me.

I don't know that here.

I don't know who I even am right now. I'm "in between" in so many ways, and sometimes I catch myself, like Lot's wife, looking back longingly. I just want a friend who feels like family, who I can talk to about my thoughts and feelings and insecurities and delights and discoveries without feeling like I have to create a persona for them to be enamored with.

The truth is, there's a lot about me not to love and I'm sick of pretending there isn't. But that's how you make friends, isn't it? You talk about nothing of lasting importance. You pretend to be fascinating and cool until they figure out you're really just spacy and hyperactive.

Is it normal that the reason I'm looking forward to Christmas break isn't that I want to see my friends but that I want to be home? I miss my brother and my family and my room and the ocean and I want to go on long walks in the canyon with Wibby and bake things from scratch and spend way too much time at the Mitchell's house?